The secret to self esteem

There I was with my 8 year old son at the end of the little league season. We finished 4th or 5th out of 6 teams in our little league division. Closing ceremonies was upon us and it was time to recognize the players and teams that had done a good job and come out on top.  A microphone and a huge table full of trophies was set up. All eyes were on the announcer and the shining hardware. 20 minutes later my son and his teammates were each holding a great looking trophy that was the same as everyone else. "Good job guys" I said.  As the words left my mouth I noticed one of my players who I had been irritated by most of the year because he was never at practice, twisting the noble looking plastic baseball player on his trophy into the dirt. "hey, that is no way to treat your trophy!" knock it off." I said, through gritted teeth. Why does he not care? I thought. The shame of it was he was bigger and stronger than all of the other kids and could have really helped us if he had applied himself, but he seemed to totally lack confidence no matter how much I encouraged him and told him how good he could be . This was my first year being envolved enough to coach and get close to the kids and I noticed something was different than when we played.  It got me thinking....

Does masking failure and giving out undeserved trophies build self esteem?

I was pretty confident in baseball, in fact very confident. My self esteem in the area if Baseball was through the roof. I began to think back.  What things did people say or do with me that built my beliefs up so well that I ended up breaking every offensive record in high School,  playing D-1 college, and eventually pro baseball?  The Very first memory I could think of was trying out for majors in little league and NOT making it.  The Coach who decided I was not good enough said you just are not ready, if you work hard you will end up being one of the best players out here, but right now you are not ready.  The next year when they handed me my Majors jersey and said I made the team, I felt wonderful inside. I had done it!  I believe that was the start of my healthy "self" esteem in baseball.

I am no psychologist but it is my belief that when you tell someone they are not good enough and they need to get to work, you send them a hidden message. The message; "I believe you could be good enough some day if you give it 100%".   I further believe that when you hand an intelligent child a trophy that both of you know he has not earned, you send a message  as well; "we believe you could not ever earn this on your own so here, we will give it to you because you are not able to do it on your own." This (in my opinion) kills self esteem. The kids are not stupid. They are keeping score and this kind of thing does even more dammage than we know.

In the Bible in the first few pages we see the the very first case of depression. Cain and Able were brothers. They had diffent jobs to do but had to live and give there best.  ". . . And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought some of the fruit (not the first or best) of the ground an offering unto the LORD.


"And Abel, he also brought of the first (best) of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect (accepted) unto Abel and to his offering: But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. " (Genesis 4:2-5 )

Later God asks Cain, "why are you depressed, if you give your best will you not be accepted? "  Was God just trying to be mean to Cain by accepting only his best?  No he believed in him and wanted him to experience the joy of working and sacrificing for true success.

If you are a parent or a coach and you want to build champions for life, tell the truth, believe in the Champion inside of every player, and accept and reward only the very best they have to give.

Love should always be unconditional, but rewards and acceptance of efforts should only come with hard work and with the truth attached.